Friday Night’s Alright for Writing (#20) Staycations, sickness and soul-searching

Hello! The exclamation point doesn’t really reflect my mood – which is more chill than it’s been all week…returning from vacation to work really had me feeling like I had a permanent case of the Monday’s. I am also going on nearly 2 weeks of sickness here (me, and then Maya) – because what would time off be without getting sick? I’m happy to report though, that after daily meditation, a lot of venting to friends, a return to exercise, a little me time and a nearly imperceptible, but definite switch in my outlook, I’m feeling …not as frustrated. Lighter. Hopeful. Human.

I knew nothing would likely have changed at work while I was gone and I was right.  But, the cool thing is that while it didn’t change…I did.  For all intents and purposes, I completely disconnected from work during my staycation. This is something I should have been doing on a more regular basis, but felt I couldn’t, or just was unable to, period.  For a few days, Maya and I hung out, without being rushed, without me having to get her off to school, or me off to work.  We went to the LA Zoo and hung with Sophie,

drove up to Grandma’s house for some time in the pool and had a girls’ day with her and Auntie Dawn.

We went to the mall to eat ice cream, buy new shoes for school and have fun in the PlaySpace there. I was able to see how confident she has become on the slides.  How she is now able to not only quickly pick up verbal skills, but do the same thing with her body…she can now figure out how to move her limbs and calculate her balance to do the things that she wants to do in a setting such as the one in the mall.  She went from holding my hand down the slide tentatively, to just needing my hand when she was at the top, to not needing my hand at all…in about 5 minutes.  And then she started experimenting, going down on her tummy on the smaller slide.  I was so grateful to be able to watch that, see her having fun, see all of those hours of PT and OT finally paying off in the form of a happy, mobile, and agile 3.5 year old.

Once Maya went to her Dad’s, it was really time for vacation to start – as anyone with children will tell you…time off with children is very different from time off without.  Wonderful, but different.  So I was grateful for a respite from both of my jobs, if only for a few blissful days…One of the cool things about a staycation is that if you choose to, you get to be a bit of a tourist in your own city. You can do things that you’ve wanted to do for a while, but haven’t gotten around to, that might have you getting stuck in traffic, but since you’re on vacation you don’t care too terribly much.

You can take your time doing those things, and enjoy them wholeheartedly, with someone who knows and loves your heart (if you’re lucky, and I am.) You can be present in every moment. You can be lazy if you want. You can be geeky if you want. You can be adventurous if you want.  You can eat what you want. You can feel what you’ve wanted to feel for years, but haven’t,  if you want… if you’re lucky (and I am.) You can gawk at beauty if you want…while feeling beautiful yourself…

All of these things you could do on a staycation, if you want. And I did, because I wanted to. And it was great.

Recalibration has occurred and what I’ve decided is this — I need to incorporate more of my vacation into my everyday life. More of what I did. More of who I did it with. Much more.  I need to learn how to leave work at work, and be more present in every moment that I am gifted. To not give every free moment I have to my job.  To give more free moments to me, so that I don’t feel as depleted as I have in the past few months. To give more to my daughter because she’ll only be this little for a little longer. To continue to take risks, because sometimes they bring amazing rewards.  To continue to be open to possibilities.  To be light.  To be hopeful. To be human.