I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Yep, I’ve been feeling the Foo lately – the lyrics from “Walk” have really been speaking to me…in fact, some of you might have noticed (or totally not at all…ha!) that my writing has become more introspective, a little (a lot?) heavier (when I’m not talking about Maya), more intentional…and that is very reflective of what my life has been lately. More introspective, a little heavier, and I’ve been living with intention, not just going through the motions.
Along those lines, today was a big day…after several big days..months.
It was Maya’s first day of nursery school –cue tears (mine, not hers), heaving chest from anxiety, and bittersweet thoughts. Watching her today was gratifying, especially given how incredibly attached she has been to me, how cautious she is . She is now a mostly independent little girl, who knows how to asks for hugs and kisses if she is feeling insecure, and is a generally happy little one.
It was my first day back to work as a full-time teacher in over three years and several of my student files got audited as well (cue tears, mine again). It’s bittersweet as that means much less time with Maya, and much more time to exercise my skills and help others. At least, that is my goal.
On top of this all, I am un-officially a single mom as of this past Saturday, divorce pending. I’ve spent the past few days purging my home of a lot of clutter and dust, and I’m on my way to feeling lighter and more peaceful. At least, that is another of my goals.
I finally broke down today. Honestly, I was waiting for it – since the universe saw it fit for all of these things to happen at once as a culmination of the last several months of change. But the good thing is, I survived. I might be a little worse for wear – ok, I’m not going to lie, I’m straight out exhausted, mentally and emotionally. But, thanks to my new, gorgeous king-sized bed, I am at least now getting good sleep.
There are many things I will have to get used to in the next few months. Some people refer to it as my new “normal.” Not sleeping under the same roof as my daughter every night of the week. Working every day outside the home, as opposed to only in it…which is now just my home with my daughter and no one else. Getting the opportunity to effect change on twice as many teenagers as I have for the last 7 months. Spending more time with adults. Spending more time with me.
It’s been a rough couple of months, and will likely be rough for several more…“learning to walk again” involves a lot of falling down. I just have to remember the important thing is to keep getting back up.